By Mary Beth Bialick
February can be a gray and dreary month in Ohio with the holiday rush behind us and Spring still several weeks away. Valentine's Day offers an opportunity to celebrate and recognize loved ones. Many special people can be acknowledged with a valentine wish— from a parent, to a friend, to a co-worker, to a physical therapist. Traditionally we think of romantic relationships as the true celebrants on Valentine's Day. So I have been pondering romantic and intimate relationships when navigating life with PD.
Although caregiving relationships can take all sort of forms, today I am focusing on committed spouses and partners who become caregivers. There are MANY caregiving spouses/partners in the United States; The Well Spouse Association estimates 5.7 million spouses/partners are currently caregiving. So many factors play into how relationships evolve when one half becomes a caregiver to the other half.
Caregiving takes on many forms:
EMOTIONAL
Providing support as the person copes with appointments, test results, uncertainty, symptoms and the future
PHYSICAL
Hands on assistance with activities of daily living including daily hygiene, ambulating, toileting, meal prep and feeding
COGNITIVE
Becoming “control central,” the planner, the scheduler, the reminder along with assuming ever increasing previously shared duties from driving and car maintenance to banking and legal matters, to keeping extended family members involved and arranging and adapting social interaction.
The relationship dynamics cannot help but change with the all the above issues going on. Partners are in a changed relationship and often express they feel more of a parent-child dynamic than partners or lovers.
Both caregiver and care-receiver feel the change and struggle to find a new way to remain close as a couple. Physical intimacy and sex change and often the needs and desire of both parties are at odds. Caregiving is exhausting and being a PD person is frightening.
So, how can couples maintain a level of closeness and commitment? Think of the goal of a romantic relationship: intimacy. The act of sex can be broadened to include various forms of intimacy:
TOUCH
From holding hands, to helping bathe, to polishing a loved ones nails to brushing hair, you can find ways to keep affectionate touch in the daily relationship.
TALK
Spend time talking and sharing together. One person might have to initiate more, but go ahead! Discuss the morning news, talk about favorite TV shows, plan upcoming family events, look through photos together, read out loud, sing along to beloved songs. Keep the conversation going!
TIME
Everything takes longer when dealing with PD and caregiving. Don't over-schedule and try never to be rush; it frustrates and overwhelms.
Build in rest for both people, allow time for each other with the only goal being to enjoy each other. This is the time to have finished the “chores” of caregiving and relax and delight in each other with the same romantic ideals you shared in the past: good food, candlelight, some romantic tunes, and see what happens. Maybe not the act of sex, but perhaps a pleasant time and even laughing at attempting some “Dancing in the Dark” (Shout out to the Boss!).
Happy Valentine's Day to one and all!